About That Dress

Earlier That Day: The New Dress

"You've so got to wear this one," she said. "You're going to look gorgeous." We reached for it simultaneously; my hand touched it first. I held the dress up to my chest, breathing in the fabric and taking in its measure. My reflection only re-affirmed this.

The understated female sophistication of the changing room with its thick heavy curtains that draped right down to the ground locked me into a muted bubble of light. No garish fluorescent lights here and mirrors full-length and flattering____ in other words, no cellulite and all those other imperfections, no highlighted unforgiving shadows.

I fell in love in an instant; this was the dress, your different. Like any red-blooded female, I wanted an object to crave, and as anyone would be, I was flattered, by its fascination in me.

There's a reason the gateway into to Narnia is a wardrobe. Clothes can have magical powers; whether it's a pair of shoes you court for weeks or that bag that whispers, "Buy me, I'll change your life." and it will, well my night at least.

It was the most expensive dress in my world, Met Gala worthy, with a price tag to show for it, making all those past Zara splurges, insignificant in comparison. It had to be this one; no other would measure up.

It's the one that'll have me entering into a room, in a glow of perfection. Head high, heads turning, not grappling with my dress the entire evening, feeling like a fat ugly cow.

Later That Evening: A Monster Un-Invited

I was at the bar now. It was bright; It was noisy. It was packed. I was anxious. I squeezed my way through an ocean of people, making my way to the toilets for a last-minute touch-up. It's just last-minute nerves I thought; I get like this on the lead up to a party. It's nothing that a pre-party drink should have fixed and did not.

But then I caught the reflection I didn't want to see, not tonight.

What do I feel? I feel everything, no-longer Beauty. It's terrifying, disgusting, ugly. Something that's not quite right; it's never right; why is it not perfect.

My flaws are like all those fucking bullies, never going away, permanent marks in life; critiquing on what you wear and judging you on how you look, like all the pretty people do, yeah the pretty stylish people who I'm never going to measure up to EVER! All the Heavenly bodies, casting their judgement. I heard them, and I hear you! I listened.

"Well, you know you shouldn't have worn it right?" she said gleefully. I stood transfixed, looking at my reflection in the mirror, not being able to turn away. Fixated on all the un-natural shapes, shapes that no one else had. My body that was and will always be ugly.

"Why do you always fucking do this?" I build myself up, you build me up, but then you have a drink, and you change and drag me back down. Why do you always like to hurt me?"

"I'm not, she said. It's you always going and getting yourself swept up in the romance of it all. Spending money that you don't have, trying to measure up to a beauty you're never going to be."

"Kim Kardashian", she explained. Has shit loads of money and people to make her who she is, and that's perfect, you don't even come close.

It was light fakery in those changing rooms, You that right? Like those stupid Snap Chat filters you so desperately can't live without, It's not real, none of it. What's real is what you're looking at right now. Look at yourself; this is you; this was how you were born, you can't undo that.

One Defining Moment.

"Hey hun, you ok?" A voice called out behind me, as a slight breeze kissed my legs. What was once a deserted battlefield, quickly became an arena of chatty girls as they all made their way into the toilets, different shapes all sizes, some tall, some small, uniquely different in their forms, but all very beautiful.

It was the tallest girl out of the party that pushed her way through her friends to face me.

I was mesmerised by her complexion, her form and her overall presence. It oozed regal and her eyes danced. Her darkness was captivating, like looking at black ivory, or a precious stone, cultivated straight from this earthly home.

Seriously, drunk or not. If I didn't know any better, I would have miss-took her for an angel or something.

She spoke first clasping my hands in her's, soothing me. "What is beauty she said, and how do we recognise it?" I shrugged not knowing how to answer but understanding the question.

"I saw you earlier, at the bar tugging at that amazing dress. I caught a feeling you weren't in a good place?"

"Yeah, she always does this, sorry, whenever we're out," one girl spoke.

"She wants to change the world" another girl piped up.

She smiled at me and rolled her eyes, exposing her perfect white teeth. " You know what, I guess I always do she retorted, stern eyeing her friends playfully. Us girlies have to stick together, build each other up and not tear each other down, we do a terrific job of it all on our lonesomes".

How did she know this? How did she know me?

"Beauty is, she explained–– that which is different from another, and that which remains different should be both recognised, appreciated and praised always. “

“Do you think you did the right thing keeping the truth from you?" she continued, "The truth about how beautiful you are, and hun trust me I'm not just saying this to make you feel better, you are.”

“You are no different from every other woman, a woman who at some point in her life, gets caught up in that spider web that is high beauty standards. I like to call it the yellow brick road syndrome, let me elaborate.”

"Dorothy, you know the story. About a girl alone in a world unfamiliar, a girl lost, in a cosmos, she can't call home. Her entire being is spiritually off-balance, with all that wicked stuff she has to deal with along the way.

"My girls got a plan, destination emerald city, and The Grand Wizard Of Oz, surely he can fix her? show her how to get back home to the place, her entire being is centred, her truth and those that she loves."

"Girl let me tell you; it turns out that Wizard couldn't do shit, he wasn't all-powerful. Dorothy had to first believe in herself and re-affirm this over and over again, to be able to go home. "There's no place like home, no place like home", blah blah blah blah; you get the gist, you still with me?"

"What I'm trying to say is, yes it's ok to look outside of yourself, for that inside assistance as long as you recognise and accept at the same time, that lasting help, a real and willing effort to change, first comes from within.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that OZ guy didn't try to squeeze is big ass man feet into a pair of adorable red shoes, and click his heels for her now? I mean come on now, are his feet even clean?!"

"There is never going to be somebody out there that is prettier than you; there are just going to be those that are different looking, differences in Beauty. And differences in our lineages, that's what makes us who we are and how we ultimately look. Our flesh and bones tell a story; Our faces are the story— it speaks of tales from our past, present and future.

And our faces are that of our ancestors; why would anybody not choose to recognise and love that fact? No beauty is superior to another; and those that are realising this fact now are also simultaneously sticking up, that middle figure. The middle finger goes up to that all-powerful, Not! ––media wizard, who it turns out doesn't know shit after all and will never know the real definition of beauty, its our human responsibility to educate them in this fact.”

Beauty is equal; that is why it is so beautiful. Pay him no mind half of the time when you're negative with yourself; it's the devil talking. Whispering at you, telling you it's so when it's a load of shit. The devil is all full of it, believe.

You are not an island, the human race is on one big island, for how long, nobody knows, but what I do know is that I'm never going to live out my life pretending, trying to be and look like someone I am not. You shouldn't either.

There are always going to be parts of you some days you don't love, but who doesn't, yes even Kim Kardashian has her hang-ups. How about when you get those days to try re-loving them and remember that we are all on this big old island together, experiencing the same stuff—all 7.8 billion of our beauties.

You don't have to settle with ever thinking you are not enough and you don't have to be miserable in the process either. All you’ll end up doing is isolating yourself from the people that you love and have loved. Be happy with who you are, Believe it or not, you still love you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be hurting so much right now. The tears stop when love stops when we stop feeling. Your soul isn't down with the plan you have right now, and by the looks of things, you aren't either. Significant changes occur when you click your heels and start believing in yourself and your beauty.

And while it may only seem like a distant dream at the minute, Go right ahead and dream anyway, fill your space with all those positive thoughts, you have to start somewhere. And when you reach that destination, that place of the true self and authentic love, take a minute smile and repeat after me (preferably while looking in the mirror at your fine self) say "See what happens when you dare to dream." OXO