A Letter To Yourself…
The Skin We Live In
When it comes to Beauty hang-ups, we humans have oodles. We're obsessed with our bodies. Have you got that skinny waistline, tan skin, thigh gap and full lips? To over-obsessing about Fashion, Make-Up, and acceptance.
If you are not fretting about the way you look, you are beholding to the media continually comparing yourselves to a form, that isn't real. Beauty standards are the beast that warps the reality of a Soul as little as six years old!
With so many inhibitions kittens, it's about time y' all had some Ther-Uh-Pee!
So put your feet up and let's talk you. X
DEAR 14-YEAR-OLD-YOU.
One of your biggest hang-ups was your hair. That hair that continued to grow up and never down. "Rapunzel, let down your hair" was never going to happen. It may, however, have come in useful for jack and his beanstalk.
You were never allowed to have hair extensions growing up, and because getting it relaxed was out of the question, you were far too young, I remember all too well you used to settle for the skirt on the head look — the red and white stripy one. You'd spend hours swooshing your head around like it was your own, girl I'm surprised you didn't develop a permanent headache. I remember the time you decided to go au-naturel to school. That full-on Afro you donned had everybody in stitches and was the first and last time you ever wore your hair that way.
Listen if all you ever saw growing up were those tv commercials (That dam Timotei one in particular) The media glorifying the women with the long blonde flowing locks, or that Barbie Styling head you played with for hours, again with the long flowing beautiful hair. Is it a wonder you developed this hair insecurity in the first place!
The first chance you get when you get older, you'll get it treated to look like the girls in the magazines, you'll never have the hair extensions though, that still surprises me to this day, you know, because of the old' skirt on your head faze.
It helped for a time because it was something you could physically fix and see the results straight away.
You never needed it in truth, and in time you will come to realise it when you make that transition into locks.
I know_still, in those quiet, silent moments that insecurity sometimes resurfaces. Or if you catch sight of a girl with long beautiful curly hair, because curly hair is your thing. There's sometimes that iddy biddy twinge, but nothing major, nothing big enough to make you want to get a weave, that I'm proud of, your learning to except you for you.
DEAR 15-YEAR-OLD YOU.
I know that, right now, you're deeply insecure about the size of your lips.
At your age, appearance is a big deal, and them stray phrases like, Rubber Lips you picked up on through school haven't helped.
There is no hiding the fact that you inherited them from your father, they are big, full, and the first thing you notice when you look in the mirror,
dam! It's the first thing everybody else notice's about you period.
You envision your face with lovelier lips, much smaller, so you learn to smile with your teeth or roll you're lower lip in and bite it, that way their size isn't so apparent.
You've had an ongoing love affair with Lipstick, like forever! And now? Now you're worrying yourself to death with this self-consciousness — best sticking to your neutral shades, those bold, bright colours look better on girls with much smaller lips, you don't have the right mouth for them.
Fast forward a couple of years, and you will be witness to an online outbreak. That bizarre social media-based Kylie Jenner Challenge is going to be total madness! Are big lips in now? Acceptable Kylie-sized lips?! Lips you are already blessed with from birth.
What I marvel at the most about you is that silent inner strength you possess. That toughness that helped you grow through this experience, energy you don't yet realise you possess.
I'm so pleased you never saved up for that cosmetic surgery, because you're going to feel secure enough soon, relaxed and more at ease, to accept them for the way they are.
And yes your lips are going to be one of the first things people see when they look at you, but girl, they are also going to be one of the fascinating things they remember about you.
The girl with a smile that lights up a room.
DEAR 16-YEAR-OLD YOU.
Right now, the acne on you're forehead is making you blue, but in a few years, your skin will be your thing - but the problem, for now, is what the hell to use to cover them up.
Foundation might do it. In fact, don't bother. You'll make the spots worse with too much make-up. Just cover them with your fringe, maybe not. The oil might make them worse, but hey, you're 16, and you've got to try something, anything, cause right now your self-confidence has been affected.
In time you'll learn what works best for those flare-ups. Soon you'll start eating better and exercising to flush the toxins out.
Your acne will clear right up.You're learning make-up tricks from YouTube. Surprisingly deep burgundy eyeshadow looks great on you, it brings out your eyes - but remember you can't always copy from the models in the magazines because your face shape isn't the same as theirs.
Have confidence in yourself and adapt different looks to suit your needs.You'll start to care about contouring because you'll come to love your cheekbones and jawline. Exaggerate them with highlighter and bronzer, but girl don't you go to the extreme, CoCo The Clown is not a good look,
and those pictures may come back to haunt you one day - Dam those pesky Facebook Memories.
DEAR 17-YEAR-OLD YOU.
Hello you. Your name used to be called ugly. That's not the actual name your parents gave you, that would be incredibly weird and cruel! No, it's the name you gave yourself,
"You are Ugly,"
You can recall the words, but details blur around the events surrounding how the remark came about. It was while you were waiting for the bus to take you to school, but the wrongdoer remains faceless.
The words caught and became your melody. Like that faithful best friend, you were inseparable for a time, she knew you so well and was always there to remind you that, "You were just never pretty enough."
You love those fashion and beauty magazines, Vogue and Elle are your absolute favourites! You would spend hours flicking through those glossy pages, comparing yourself to those, "Oh, so perfect looking women."
After a while you noticed, you didn't look like those girls. "Not her, Not her, Kind of like her." You kept looking, looking looking, but you never saw your self reflected.
"Of course, you're beautiful!" your dad would often tell you, but hearing it from him didn't count. After all, the mirror never lies.
"I guess you're just not beautiful enough,"
but thank God, you didn't think this way forever, you're one resilient little feline.
When you're much older, you'll come to realise later, that you're never going to be pretty enough for an industry that defines Beauty, from the outside in, and that's okay.
You're no longer going to worship that beauty bible. Because now you are learning how to love you for you.
And being called ugly taught you the true meaning of Beauty.
DEAR 18-YEAR-OLD-YOU
Right now, you'll be going through that phase of having issues with your body, sometimes feeling insecure about it.Subtext: "You're so fat; you need to lose weight."
And it doesn't help that all your close circle of friends are so much skinnier than you. Still, amongst many of them their biggest insecurity, is how their bodies look. It was uncomfortable to be around it, and hearing it enough, allowed you to start believing those things applied to you.
Not so much your face; it's the chubbiness that gets you down the most.It feels like your body belongs to two different people at times.
You're legs for instance, what's that fat fold above your knee? You think that makes you not every day, not beautiful. And if you couldn't find a flaw, there were girls at school to help you out.
The fat-shaming brought you down; brush it off, no matter where you are, there will always be people like that. It's okay.
It's just teaching you to look in the mirror, a little less often now. Because if you do, well, you'll only think about how you want to be, but this is how you look now, right? Just try to deal with that.
Your mom says you look beautiful. But you're parents always tell you the best things about you, maybe it's true, perhaps it's not.
For now, though, you'll stick to black leggings, cause they will make your legs look slimmer.
A two-piece swimsuit is out of the question, People that don't look good in bikinis should avoid wearing them, or so you've been told.
You're mentally much more robust than you give yourself credit. And I'm so incredibly grateful; you're now learning to cope with your food issues.
It's going to take some time getting to where you are now, but trust me, you will get there. Now would you believe me if I told you that you're going to be modelling?
A New Model, you'll be taking the world by storm. Girl you're going to break the dam internet!
And would it also come as a surprise if I told you that you never did end up with that body you longed for all those years ago?
Size. Weight. The elephant in the room. Your proportion is heritage, and self-acceptance was a gradual process.
Now knowing and accepting your body is different, but beautiful.
Your breaking down barriers, many folks thought were impenetrable.
Today you're the voice for somebody's daughter; mother, wife sister, so many that don't fit the old standards of the feminine body ideal.
Embracing all of your gorgeous curves, showing the world that when it comes to beauty, size is just a number.
DEAR 19-YEAR-OLD-YOU.
Hey Brown Skin girl, I remember there was a time when you could never think about your skin colour without first considering the shade was way too dark and made you a little less pretty.
You were very impressionable back then, what girl isn't at your age.
Growing up, I remember you used to cherish your fairy tales, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White were your idols. You'd spend hours captivated in stories of enchantment — those magical adventures of light-skinned princess's, Love, happily ever after got you thinking this was what the truly beautiful looked like, a beauty you did not possess because you just weren't relatively light enough.
Then the obsessive behaviour started. I remember the times you used to regularly do your brothers head in, asking the same question over and over again. "Is my skin too dark, and do my legs look too black at the back?" Blah, Blah, Blah.
Now listen up, what I'm about to tell you next is super essential.
The self-doubt is not a sign of weakness in the least, far from it.
Think about it for a second. You were never short of great friends in school, but it was always a case of, light-skinned people either side of you.
Girls that looked like they had just hopped out of the pages of those fairy tales you used to read.
Magazines and Television didn't help and don't even get me started on the beauty industry's lack of interest in catering to your skin colour.
Conditioning of the mind is what's happening here, and it's no wonder you started finding something to hate about yourself.
The beauty industry will come round, though, and you can look forward to an explosion online for the black make-up community.
Folk's views regarding skin colour are changing; it's not like it was.
You'll be seeing more and more of your sisters gracing the covers of magazines and Television. We still have a long way to go yet, though.
For now, trust me when I say you will, and you have changed your thought process, and how you view yourself, I do believe "darker the berry sweeter the juice" and "Black don't crack" will be your forever mantra.
Not everything truly essential to this game we call Life is supposed to show on the outside, it all starts within from that living jewel we refer to so often has the soul, that kind soul, your soul, a soul that reflects your true beauty from the inside out.
Oh and before I forget to mention this,
“Have you looked in the mirror lately? I wish you could trade eyes with me. Because there are complexities in complexion, but your skin, it glows like diamonds.”
YOU-YOU-YOU-YOU
So why am I telling you all this? Your story and so many stories like these. Those stories you believed about yourself growing up, deserve to be heard and remembered, If not to show others, how you outgrew your self-doubt and now only practice self-worth.
And if there are still parts to your story that still haunt you, I hope this post inspires you to make that mind change.
It's a fact, being a girl or woman in this Earthly home, now almost definitely means to hate on at least one part of your physical appearance, if not all of it, there is always going to be more you could hate about yourself right?
And sadly you don't and will never possess those superhuman qualities that make a person invulnerable to negativity.
The truth is we can't truly feel your problems like we sense our own.
And over time those deep as the ocean stories tricked your amazing special one of a kind mind into thinking they were tales of truths.
So, my main direction for this blog post was to show you now more than ever that it is finally time and necessary, to close that book you've been reading for such a very long time. It's time to start your new novel; Heck, let's make it a best frigging best seller! With words that read from cover to cover:
I am Beautiful.
I am Loved.
I am Strong.
I am enough.
OUR MINDS
I'm having a little chuckle to myself right now as I write this section because it's kind of like the build-up to the season finale of Killing Eve. "Ah! Finally, a blogger that's going to be able to fix me and offer a solution to an issue that affects you and so many other souls in the world right now, That all-important question, "How do you learn to love yourself a little more each day," and "How do you harness the belief, that inner strength needed to say with confidence, Fuck that shit! I am enough," and believe it!
Silencing those inner voices would be an excellent place to start what you wouldn't give for a Men in Black brain wipe right now.
I'm sorry - where was I? Ah yes; It's not rocket science babe, and it's not something you haven't heard a gazillion times already. Whether I write about it in this blog post, you hear it on a Ted Talk, or from Oprah Winfrey herself, the answer is and will always be the same.
Beauty confidence and self-love starts with the conversations you have with yourself, in your head. Find that "happiness in your mind," and you're well on your way to loving yourself for you.
Roll your eyes if you wish, your right this solution isn't something new. Enough people are already fully aware of it, Heck your already aware it! Knowing that you know this already, why are you not choosing to practice it?
TRUTH BOMB
First things first, you need to "Grow a pair of lady balls" take responsibility for your thoughts, and marshall those upspoken words, and negative conversations you have with yourself, in your noggin. Let's face it internal chatter is usual these days, and putting yourself down is something you've lived with for a very long time. You do it so well. And it's this lack of consciousness that you're doing it which leads to it becoming part of your belief system and Life story.
Now listen very carefully, because this part is super important.
Nobody, I say nobody! On this planet has their shit entirely together; I most certainly do not, things, however, did start getting a lot better for me, by that I am referring to learning how to silence those negative voices slowly when I became more aware of their presence.
I had to shine an ample ass light on all that internal negative chatter, that light was through Meditation. Let me tell you, It's dirty and brave work, but I'm doing it, with the help of Headspace I'm currently trespassing into all those internal lies and replacing them with positive truths, one bambino step at a time.
Let me come at you from a different angle. Your head of security stood in front of a revolving door, soul after soul keeps coming through, you have no control over it, or who you let in. Let's now imagine these souls represent all your negative inner dialogue; you are holding on to so dearly.
Now imagine your self in front of a closed door, the colour's not too relevant, but if you want to envisage a bright Fuschia pink door, I'm okay with that. There is only a knock, no ones just barging through you can choose to let whomever you wish in, it is your choice, just like the negative thoughts you decide to indulge.
Meditation provides you with that spiritual inner door, and yes, there certainly are going to be times when negative thoughts rock up uninvited, Heck they might have even snook in already. The real beauty of Meditation is that it helps alert you to their presence. When the transition from the unknown to the known has taken place, you, nobody else gets to decide whether or not to open that spiritual door of the mind and let them in, or kick them the fuck out!
OUR POWER
If I could give you one thing to take from this post, it would be that no one will ever truly love you, until you do.
And the question shouldn't be about how you are going to change, but when?
You are here, and you are breathing, God it feels so good to breathe, and while ever there is breath in your body, there is also the opportunity to change. Only you hold that kind of power, nobody else.
It's never too late to be who you might have been; you need to know that.
Finding that strong inner voice that builds you up, rather than tears you down is a prowess that will continually need your souls' engagement, Like for the rest of your natural Life! And writing and re-writing your souls narrative is a book that will never end either, no joke!
Because sometimes, experiences will happen to you. No one quietly forgets. And it is in those events out of your control that will have you questioning your inner strength and progress, that I guarantee.
Does that disappoint you? ~Does that make you feel afraid? Fucking good. Because feeling fear and still choosing to be brave and push through times of self-doubt to love yourself that little bit more, is the greatest gift you alone can give yourself, you will not find it in the arms of another.
OUR BODIES
These are your bodies, nobody else's. Each beautiful in its unique way.
A world without these visual differences, beings in vessels of all shapes, sizes, and colours wouldn't be a world I would want to exist.
Have you ever thought about what your life would be like without the endless choices you have available to you? Take clothing; for example, this world doesn't have one standard uniform of dress we all wear, how boring would that be, imagine everybody having to dress the same (That would be severely painful on the eyes) Instead, you can wear what you like, and this is only possible because of creative beings, we are not all creative but for those of us who are, they bring to the world an opportunity for every one of us to express our intimate style, with the clothes we choose to wear.
A world without fashions creators would be a life a little less beautiful.
I digress, what I'm trying to say is you are not defective, a little crazy perhaps, but with an original body image. You don't have to look the same, to be considered beautiful.
Beauty is diversity, and when something is deemed to be pleasing to the eye, they are in fact beautiful because they are different.
OUR BEAUTY
You need to realise one thing; this issue is not just about you, remember that, it affects everyone, your wife, sister, daughter, niece, brother, or son. It concerns a souls health, physically, mentally, spiritually, and academically. We have to give a thought for all those delicate beings that come after.
Just like the lasting marks confidence leaves can be contagious negativity and striving for beauty ideals, a human will never reach in their lifetime is too and It's sad to say, but some souls never recover.
One post will not change the industry. It can make a dent, but to continue the change, more women need to speak their minds about these issues.
There are nothing humans won't do to each other, so let's learn to judge by what you do and not by what you look like, let's start by building each other up and valuing our unique individuality, whatever shape or colour that might be present in, because it makes you more beautiful to me.
We need to work together as communities, governments, and businesses, so our children grow up healthy and balanced, so you become more healthy and balanced, valuing your whole self.
It's true; I never had a say in your story you created it, while the world told you so fiercely and persistently to look a certain way, Let's unpack all that shit right here, and pay more attention to your best parts.
Let's never learn not to love ourselves; I challenge you. xx