Living with Pica
(Pica isn’t my pet Lobster BTW)
This is an evident, yet so silent disorder. Maybe because it's not rational, so many are reluctant to talk about it. Heck, I don't fully understand it myself.
But I'm open to discussing it, and to share with you my own story.
My words only being here to provide those of you with a curious or perhaps ignorant mind, better understanding and compassion for those affected.
WHAT IS PICA?
Pica is, quite simply put. The consumption of that which does not meet the definition of being "A nutritious substance that people eat or drink to maintain life and growth" It's those things we have no business eating, but which some of us do.
Let your mind run wild with this thought, no crazy idea is a bad one. Whatever your brain has the potential to conjure up, has the potential to be eaten. Cigarette Ashes, Dirt, Clay, glue, hair, even Feces. And these are only a handful of the things we are aware of.
YES... I EAT SOAP.
For me? Well, the last time I ate soap was this morning. If this seems odd to you, eating something nonfood related, or perhaps to have an overwhelming urge to eat through your own mattress, when your ass should be sleeping peacefully on it, then yes this and all of the above is kooky, because quite frankly, you don't eat either.
You are likely part of the 90% who would sooner rather throw up at the mere thought of it. For the rest of us that do engage in this bizarre performance let it be known, this was not something we ever wished for.
I do not hide what I do on purpose. If it comes up in conversation, it comes up. Friends and family who know me are fully aware of my strange eating habits___ It's Just a thought, but maybe in doing so, my choosing to be so open about, normalising it to such an extent, is why the hope to ever consider stopping has never really entered my mind.
WHAT CAUSES PICA?
Each case is unique and different from another. It's a disorder primarily shrouded in silence, I mean let's face it, it's not the most familiar topics to rock up to the doctors with, trust me mine was somewhat dumbfounded. This was on the one ever occasion I decided to bring it up in conversation, and here I am still at it.
For me, it wasn't a case of waking up one morning and making some crazy declaration to myself. "Hey girl, I think today's the day, I think you should try eating a bar of soap." It was a gradual progression, That enemy I never saw coming, sneaky would be another word I would use to describe it.
Sponges were where it all began, when I say began I'm referring to the moment when that first nonfood related item passed my lips. In the beginning, the two were a pair, that was until my love for soap became greater.
Maybe you've already cast me in the role of that crazy chick, that devours any, and all bars of soap I can get my hands on. Before you do, might I also add, not all soaps are made equal. I do in fact only eat one particular brand, Imperial Leather (Original)
EMOTIONS & MOTIVES
If you were to catch me off guard and ask the question, my gut response would be to say, "I haven't the foggiest." But that wouldn't be true, not really. When days turn into weeks, weeks into months and later years. That one defining moment that sparked this whole series of un-natural events gets buried in the deepest parts of us.
A proper answer would require me to dig a little deeper, I mean subterranean deep. Only then would I be able to provide you with three plausible explanations, and one super paranoid one.
EMOTIONAL DISTURBANCES
One is an event that changed my life forever. Someone I had known was murdered. My habit started after this. This I can say with 110% conviction.
At the time, this was the first human loss I had ever experienced, and at the point of his death, we weren't talking. Harsh words had been exchanged from both sides, and then he was just gone. There were no take-backs or re-runs available.
I grew up in a family that were all too shy of being open with their feelings, so what I should have been saying was left unsaid.
My brain then decided to take it upon itself and do a bit of jiggery-pokery up in here, "Yeah let's just re-wire a portion of it to help her cope, you'll be good as new", Err Nope! Eating my way into oblivion is not my idea of being fully operational, but then again, this is only my theory.
I've also toyed with the idea of perhaps an Iron deficiency. And then there's the daddy of all theories, that one super irrational one. Where I think maybe this is all linked to some kind of life-threatening illness.
I remember reading somewhere once about a woman that obsessively started eating cabbage, I mean loads of it, turns out she had Cancer.
I know what you're probably thinking right now, but we are all at some point, guilty of doing this. I bet there's someone somewhere in the world right now getting super paranoid over the results of that, "can't take it back now" google search.
FIFTH SENSE
Certain smells do it for me, I'm not going to lie. It's also something I'm sure the majority of us can relate to? All those peculiar smells you know you secretly like, but never seem to give them a more profound thought.
Let's be honest;
PETROL
Why? No damn clue. It just smells incredible.
NEW & OLD BOOKS
It's all about that hard to define fresh smell. Clean, crisp new pages. Something about the smell of a new book can perk up any bookworm. Old books can also have the same desired effect.
SHARPIES:
Never have I ever? Sniffed a Sharpie. There's no rhyme or reason here guys, Think about it. Before you inhale, do you actually question your motives for doing it, or do you just breathe it in?
If you can answer this part honestly, you'll be a little bit closer to how my uncontrollable impulses work.
The list could go on forever, My personal favourites would be anything associated with that squeaky clean aroma. Bleach, any and all household cleaning products from washing detergents to lemon-fresh surface cleaning wipes. It’s these particular smells that excite me the most, yes I said that. Excite, this is the only way I can adequately convey the magnitude to how my senses respond to these kinds of scents.
I found myself needing to suck on those very fresh lemon hand wipes. The ones they give at the end of a meal, It's alarming, I know.
I don't know why ok, I just did.
CATCHING FEELINGS.
I cannot accurately convey how a substance like this tells my brain I need it so badly. And I'm never going to expect you to fully understand. However, If I had to liken it any other experience, it would be that of food.
Nurture your minds and think back to the last time you had that mind-boggling urge for your all-time favourite snack, Maybe your feening for something now? "Man, I could really murder a greasy burger."
Think about Iceberg Lettuce getting cosy with a few crunchy onions, Dripping in cheese, topped off with crispy bacon and the mother of all burger sauces because it's only really ever about those thousand Island Dressing vibes.
Or perhaps it might be your "Go-To" comfort food. If my memory serves me correctly, the term "Chocoholic" refers to one who CRAVES or COMPULSIVLEY consumes chocolate, right?
Sure I get the same cravings for this stuff too, You're surprised by that?! I do obviously eat regular food. All those signals your brain gives off that lead to the emotions that "Wanting desire" are the exact same emotions I go through with soap, apart from the fact that, I'm not actually hungry when I eat it.
I guess that old saying, "Washing one's mouth out with soap and water" would have had the opposite effect with me, that shit definitely wouldn't have gone down.
It's like my brain just didn't get that memo. Flight mode never gets triggered, and Mr Hyde is back in the room.
UNKNOWN TO YOU
I could finish by saying I have the solution, how I've finally overcome this and so can you, we all like those happy endings, right? Let me show you how I beat it... But I haven't.
This disorder is still my constant, playing on a loop, somewhat dominating my life, from dusk till dawn. It's not something we can just simply stop.
I might not have a solution, but I'm sure as hell going to be taking some positives from this, Why? Because I was there and now I'm here.
Head high shoulders back sharing my story with you. I'm so dam proud of myself for getting to this moment, a stage In which despite my fears of thinking it would be better to say nothing than to sound insane, didn't hold me back from speaking my truths, and excepting that I'm not perfect but loving myself more for it, despite this particular demon.
It's our tales that make up a big part of the therapeutic process, so make sure you speak often and openly about them.
Show them the side you didn't wish for them to see. Perhaps in doing so, the solution will present itself, It took a trigger to switch it on, don't think the same can't happen in reverse.
Sometimes everything you need to recover comes into play in one single defining moment.
One word, one realisation...