How We Heal
I can relate to all of it, you know; everything you're going through right now, it connects us because I went through it too, I'm still going through it. Nobody want's this ghost trust me; it turns worlds upside down and gives us a powerful reason to quit life.
So if this is only the start of your journey, I need you to know something. I need you to know that it's going to be alright, It doesn't seem that way right now, but it is. Everything is going to be ok.
Because who are we? Really, without each other? It's so true when they say; there's nothing more comforting than someone who gets it, really gets it. So let's try and get this, let's try and make some sense out of it all.
Gone…
When deaths sudden, because this is an experience I'm most familiar with, it changes us in so many ways, all complex some invisible. It's almost like you get handed new identities, that aren't anything like you at all. And everything that happens afterwards isn't always predictable.
You become the mirror you no longer wish to look into, with a mind never allowing you to rest. It did this to me, to us.
I haven't needed, I hadn't ever wanted to, openly write about this stuff; but I guess being in Isolation drags it out of you eventually. It's got a sneaky way of bringing to the surface, all the darkest parts of us, we do our best to keep hidden, all the pain that will ultimately define us, and our place in the world.
For me, it was like an echo in its persistence. I had to ask and answer difficult questions about myself, about how I was truly feeling, questions I didn't want answers too.
Let me tell you; I would have fought it forever if I thought there was a future, I mean I'm not failing at everyday existing, not really. I'm managing, I'm holding down a job, perhaps not socialising as much, but I'm getting out of bed in a morning, I'm all healed, right, If I'm still managing to get stuff done? I was, but then I wasn't.
It became apparent quarantine had other ideas; shoving me into an intervention against my will! Well, I sure as hell couldn't run anywhere, I guess I had no other choice but to listen.
I realised a few things; the silence reminded me of a loss I hadn't quite acknowledged, not entirely. And It told me that my life was never over; life was just a little hard to see because grief can be blinding.
I'm not going to lie; I became the best at what I did when it came to packing all the painful stuff away, all tied up in neat bows of regret, "what if's" and "should have done's." I wasn’t looking forward to un-packing all of those boxes; it all scared me, I was frightened by what it all meant. I’m ok handling other peoples problems; it’s just my own; I’m not so good.
You see, when a particular brand of sass translates your directness into a form of strength and opinions you hold are always voiced, people wrongly presume you're doing fine, and if you weren't, being more vocal should come naturally. It doesn't by the way; I can become extremely private when it comes to discussing how I'm feeling, ask my therapist. It's the couch time I currently don't have.
I can get through this on my own has always been my motto, I know I've been doing ok so far.
What I also knew is, I no longer wished to have those sudden spikes in grief, the moments in my life when it's crippling. I thought I was helping me out in the beginning, shelving some of my emotions, not talking openly about it, naïvely hoping it would go away on its own. It wasn't the smartest of moves; I know that now. I know that in doing so, not talking about it. It was helping all those painful memories to retain their power.
I rationalised it away because the type of pain I was going through, went a little bit deeper than just my heart, passing that beating lump of flesh straight into my soul. When the pain reaches that far down, you'll do almost anything, to make it go away.
LOST
For me, It was just way too uncomfortable. It had me all exposed, and being exposed made me feel vulnerable, vulnerability meant I was weak and weakness, couldn't provide me with any valid reasons as to how I could successfully navigate this world without him.
So yes, I chose to mute parts of the pain, the best way I knew how. I went right ahead and flicked that switch on all the painful parts. Everybody has their survival mode; this was mine.
Who knows maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm still Living With Pica.
FOUND
Grief is pretty universal, but we all do it in so many unexpected ways. Some of which can hurt us, I'm only human, we all react differently to situations out of our control. It's our bodies way, of finding coping.
But did you know, these same bodies, souls, whatever you choose to call it, whatever makes it easier for the truth to be absorbed. The soul will never stop fighting for us; it can save us from ourselves. Not from all the pain we need to feel that pain doesn't get any smaller, no matter how long we chose to ignore it, the trick is you got to make yourself much bigger around it, and the best way you do that, is by opening up.
HEAL
The strangeness you will struggle with at first will be fear. It's supposed to get more manageable with time, but then you get those days when everything feels raw again, and you feel like your back at square one. Don't worry; these days should never be hated, lean into them and slowly over time you will overcome them.
I wanted nothing more but to keep editing these parts out of my life, jump me into a year in the future, get me through all these tough parts, make me forget because the thing that would make me happy is impossible. These memories may be the only real thing you have left to hold on to, but if you try your very best to let go, I promise you. Doing the impossible will allow you to forget all the sad stuff what's in your head and your heart. Acknowledging our pain outside of ourselves gives you back the power of acceptance.
And while you might not find that happiness today, keep hanging on, keep living, even when the odds don't seem in your favour, because my sweet, today isn't all you have.
MOVING ON
Do we? Some say we do, some say we don't, I'm on the fence because it depends on how you choose to look at it. As the years go by, teach yourself to cry a little less and manage a bit more because your happiness is non-negotiable. Recognise that we can't keep the whole world safe from grief, and be ok with that. Because if your ok, I'm ok.
And all though you may not see them for a while, a while is never that long at all. Make sure you have some good stories to tell when you do.
Be true to who you are, show the world something real, lord knows we need it. Laugh, speak up and take your heart on an adventure.
Death will forever remain a part of living, and to have lived means to have known love. A love that was animal, powerful and blood thick, nobody can ever take that away from you. Be grateful for the time you had with them because you'll have forever with them in the next.
“In Loving Memory of all those who have crossed over,
now, In time and after I’m gone.”